My grandmother was very sly woman - sly as a fox. Her wilyness sometimes went so far, that her deeds became rather wicked. Of course, being her grandson, I could be rather sly and wicked sometimes too.
Therefore, we had fights quite often. I used to misbehave or try to annoy her, and she was trying to influence my mother, so that she would punished me; she was often threatening me: “I go and tell your mother about your behavior, and she will spank you!”, but by far most popular threat of her was: “just wait, when I’ll die, I will come and sit on your head!”
I didn’t know what that supposed to mean, I guess back then, it would be far more scary if she’d say: “when I’ll die, I’ll dig out of my grave and come knocking on your window”.
She died rather unexpectedly, when I was still a kid. I never worried about her promise, that she’ll come to sit on my head; but, I did regret that I couldn’t properly say goodbye to her, and that we fight so often.
Many years after her dead, I had very hard times; my life was very messed and I was depressed and lost. One night, she appeared in my dreams. She came with a gift, and as she gave it to me, she hugged me. I never before, and never after, felt so much love, which was almost divine, and which stayed alive even after I woke up.
I submit to you that if a man hasn’t discovered something he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.
A teacher who had to speak about life to teenage boys, came up with such analogy:
“You see boys, life it’s a lot like a Super Mario game; you don’t start to play this game, and then instead of moving around, just standing at one spot. That would be boring, and time in game is limited anyway, so you’d die very soon if you wouldn’t move.
But to move around, represent certain risk too, as you can fall into cliff or you can get eaten by, errr, evil looking mushroom. But, on other hand, as you move around, you’ll get some additional lives, so even if something bad will happened to you, you’ll still get new chance. As you move around, you also get more experiences, and you see a lot of interesting worlds. You can also collect a lot of shiny coins scattered all around the world. Of course, from time to time, you must fight a dragon, but reward is a kiss by a sweet princes. The only purpose of this game is, to play it, to take a risk and move around.
And the same it’s true for life. What’s the point of life if not to take a risk, and move, instead of being stuck on one point? Yes you come to the cliffs over which you must jump; yes, you meet evil mushrooms, and furious dragons on your way, - but you’re also getting kisses by princesses; you’re also start seeing all beautiful surroundings of this world, you’re getting experiences, you’re collecting golden coins of wisdom, and some magical force is giving you always another chance when you’re failing.”
The game of life:
- time in game is limited, as you come to the end of one level, you get more time; hence, if you don’t move around, you’ll have game over very fast,
- there are evil mushrooms, but you can jump either over or on them, and get rid of them,
- there are many cliffs, over which you must jump - but, you were gifted with great ability of long jumps,
- there are dragons, but when you beat them, you come to the princess,
- there are golden coins (of wisdom), and when you collect enough of them, you get one additional life (chance),
- all around the world you’re finding hidden “treasures”, like “kind mushrooms” which are making you bigger and stronger; yes, there are kind mushrooms too, not only evil, and you must learn which to take and which to jump over.
Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.
Butterflies and stars
They called him star boy, and he was born on first month of year with two four and one zero. He was a lovely boy, now all grown up, but actually just a kid in a clothes of a man. Even he, himself, often didn’t believe in his own disguise.
It was Thursday, which felt like Tuesday when he was thinking about her again. Let’s talk about her now; she was butterfly girl, at least he called her so, it’s a stupid name, but we’ll use it for now. He knew her all his life, and all her life, sine they were almost the same age, with little insignificant difference (she was actually older, but he didn’t care). He didn’t noticed her, all his life, sure he saw her and know her name, but, never noticed her. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?
When he finally noticed her, he was kind of a old, and she was even older, but not too old, I (as a writer of this story) would say that they were at exactly the right age. She was not a kid anymore, but just a beautiful girl, such girl, which was noticed by many men. Men, of course, noticed her kind of differently than the star boy did; when they were looking her, they were undressing her, kissing her body and finally use her body as an object, into which they’ll go horny and came out happy.
“What a wonderful toy she would be”, they thought.
Some want her not just as a toy, but as a wife, they were saying, with their eyes:“I could made you happy!”
She was clever girl (or stupid, I’m not sure), so she understood, that all they want to do, is just made themselves happy, again she would be a toy, only this time, toy with more functions, and for whole life.
One some point, she meet someone, in whom eyes, she saw love (among other things), so she agreed to go out for a drink with him, and so the things go on, and she became an unmarried wife and loving toy in a life of a boy, who needed loving toy and who always wanted to marry with someone, without getting married.
The star boy, who didn’t saw her since childhood bump into her on that point, when she was luckily unmarried, a happy toy, in toy-boy’s life. He noticed her, and the way he noticed her, wasn’t with fire in his eyes, neither with idea of marriage, but rather with mist and secrets. He had no idea what he wants from her, and when he look into her eyes, he lost the thoughts and all was void. She catch his eyes and she didn’t noticed anything recognizable; she noticed in his eyes, only blurry images, I guess that’s why she was keep staring - trying to figure out something, to see something, but there was just mist, and she could conclude anything based on that.
But you as a reader now for sure thinking, how did they meet. I mean - you are person who live in a real world, you know that people don’t just meet and stare into each other’s eyes, without reason, that’s only in movies. So, they meet in store, there she was working, and there he go, to buy toothpaste with his last five euros - yes, that’s how it happened. Can you imagine - he put that toothpaste to the cashier and wanna pay it, and then he notice it’s she - the butterfly girl - and she, notice the boy, with blurry eyes in which she can’t see anything logical. And then, they’re just staring at each other, making an old lady with dog food, who was in line behind the boy, very impatient and nervous.
Well, that’s how it happened.
After he left, he was thinking a lot about her, well, not a lot, but occasionally, for sure. On March 12, he even had the first dreams about her - he dreamed, she was swimming in a lake - she was naked. He wanted to join her, but he didn’t wanted to take his clothes off, and, furthermore he remembered, he can’t swim at all. Right after that, he was on a train, which was leaving a city, very fast, and there was that lady with dog food too - she had dog with her - which was trying to bite him. Of course, after waking up, he didn’t know who the lady was, he though he dreamed about old lady with dog, but didn’t remember he saw her in store that day - with all that dog food, and rage in her eyes - no, no, all that he could remembered of that day, was butterfly girl, and all that matter of that dreams, was butterfly girl, naked.
Well, that made him brave, so he decided, he’ll go back to store, and so he did - on November 24. And, just his luck, he saw her again. — Before I continue, I must mention one thing - the star boy, he was odd, really - you’ll see, really odd. — So, he saw butterfly girl there, look into her eyes again, and saw, that there’s nothing. Her eyes, were ice cold, empty, blank - it was scary. So scary that he start running, - really running. Of course, you can imagine, the security personal in store was sure that the boy stole something, they run after him and catch him, - and it took a lot of time - to explain nothing was stolen, nothing, but his blurry and misty hope, the hope of something, even (or especially) he couldn’t understood at all.
The butterfly girl, thought, what a freaks coming to the store, freaks with mist in their eyes, who run away without a reason. She dreamed about him, though, and dreamed she was swimming in lake, naked, and he came, and saw her. She didn’t mind, she wanted him to join her, to see her - but he run away. Damn coward.
And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Frog in a well
The first thing we need to understand is, that people in mayoralty has need, to explain things that surround them, since unexplained things, fright them. In the long history, there was a lot of explanations, for all the phenomena that was happening, and for the life itself. We aren’t new at that; also, we aren’t special, when we believe (so strongly) that we figured everything out. I’m sure people always believed, just as we do, that they figured everything out. The only thing that was constantly changing was the explanation.
As I said, we need explanation - we’re curious, and curiosity (as my friend said) is what make us humans, it’s the force which pushing us further and further. Of course, when talking about curiosity, we must take into account laziness, which seems to be even strongest force.
So, let me tell you a fairytale: long time ago lightning appeared - people were confused, and they were searching for an explanation, a wise man realized that lightning is something made by God; since he was convincing and since that explanation made perfect sense - all people agreed and didn’t though about it anymore. Many years later, and after many corrections of that theory, people accepted that lightning is just “an atmospheric discharge of electricity”, they weren’t sure what that is, but they were happy with it, and they made a lot of fun, of those savages from past, who believed that lightning is send by God.
There was always majority of people who just agreed with the explanation which was valid in their time, since they were too lazy to think with their heads; but what’s really disturbing is, that they were really ready to defend that false believe, defending it even with giving their or taking other peoples’ lives.
I’m concern when I talk to people nowadays, since mostly all I can hear, is just blindness and total inability to think with their own heads. I could swallow even the most crazy idea, if only that idea would be something that person actually figure it out on his own, and it’s based on his own experience, his own life. But what’s mostly happening is just repeating; the irony is, that mass media nowadays has more power (to brainwash people), than all churches put together ever had, but we still believe, that we’re somehow advanced, enlightened, that we understand everything, and (now here’s the irony), that people in the past were brainwashed and mislead by institutions of that time.
Does average person ever ask himself, “why do I believe in what I believe?”, it seems that such questions aren’t often on peoples’ mind. People seems to be fanatically closed, unable to open up to anything.
We’re like computers, outputting bunch of data, not knowing even what that data is, and why are we outputting it. We’re absorbing data, with same mindlessness. To know a lot, is insignificant, why do I care which is the longest river in world, which is the tallest mountain, what’s the distance to the moon and back? It’s just trash, kitsch, it has no real value. Everyone with too much time can learn all those facts. Give me wisdom and I’ll shake your hand, and I’ll even walk with you on your path and respect you. But wisdom is something, masses never were looking for.
I heard a story about the frog, who was living all his life in a well. Two birds has visit him from time to time, and tell him about the ocean. The frog, was trying to understand a scale of ocean, while still having in mind measure of the small well in which he was living. The more he was trying to understand the wideness of ocean, the less he could. He was asking birds, he was thinking and thinking, measuring, calculating. The more he was doing that, the less sense everything had; finally he concluded, there’s no such thing as ocean - it can’t be, it’s totally impossible.
Nevertheless, from time to time, even if only in deepest dreams, he sens the wideness of thing called ocean.
Indeed, in small puddles in which we live, which are all we can see, from time to time, even if only in deepest dreams, we sense the infinity, which is beyond anything we could ever understood.
Life…
The thing about life is, that you must fall in love with it, you must start perceive it, as lovers perceive each other — with tenderness and awareness of every detail, with enthusiasm and expectation of every moment. To spend this time here is great reward; our life offering us so much possibilities, about which we’re totally unaware, while being trapped in our everyday thoughts, which seems so important, but in reality are so insignificant.
In life, just like in love, is nothing to win and nothing to find, but just to experience. The greatness of being in love is the simplicity, the melting of what we’re calling reality, but actually what’s happening, is just melting of our everyday ideas, which are mostly based on fear, and therefore are mostly negative. There’s nothing but love or fear, so when we fall in love, our ideas emerge from love, and therefore, they’re not just positive, but actually limitless.
Falling in love with life, means simply that our perception emerge from love, instead from fear. To put it more simply, it means: when we fall in love with life, life fall in love with us.
To have a good life, I think, we must love it - just like, to have a good relationship, we must love the person with which we’re in relationship. We must be forgiving, patient, and mostly understanding. The recipe for good life, I think, is the same as for good relationship, but that’s not coincidence, since what is life, if not the most important relationships of all - the relationship with ourselves, with God, with universe.
You better start running, find a place to hide, since things are different here. You can’t fight back. You’ll be lost, you’ll be falling down, into infinite caverns. The air is polluted - almost impossible to breath. Men without faces will follow you, they’ll get you - they’ll eat your brains like zombies; women with hearts riped out - emptiness in their eyes - they’ll try to get you, to get your heart. You better run. Your ancestries will follow you, whispering about the weaknesses, about diseases, about the death. And death - she’ll follow you too, and she’ll get you, and you’ll suffer. The armies of other creatures, vampires and beasts will be crawling to you, will drink your blood and feast on your body, while you’ll be tied up with chains. Dark water will swallow you, and you won’t be able to swim, you’ll be drowning, and downing will last forever. There’s no fighting back.
And I start to run, but couldn’t run - I had no legs.
They had always got me, I have always died.
Until that night.
I was tired of trying to run away, I was tired of dying. I turned around, and look everything that was crawling towards me. My eyes were shining strength, and they melted away. I stood up, and they were small - i could have crushed them, like a small and helpless insect - but I didn’t. I sat down and breathed them in, like they would be air. The land, which was dark, was illuminated by me now. The air, which was polluted was clean and fresh, like after light summer rain. I fell into water - that deep dark water - which was now clean, and light, warm and soft - carrying me away. I heard the song, and I realized the ancestries weren’t whispering about death, but singing song of eternity. I looked at men without faces, and I saw deepness in their eyes, tears in their eyes, soul in their eyes, and they wanted to listen to me, to understand me. And I looked at women without hearts, but they were beautiful, and they had hearts, and they had love in their eyes, - and I was lifted by their love, so high - that I could see everything, and now everything was clear.
Finally, the death came, and thrown away her cloak, and shined and she was beautiful. She took my hand, and love was in her eyes, and I woke up, like you wake up, in the embrace of your lover, in the beautiful morning. So natural, calm and peaceful.
I once bought four yogurts - they seemed really delicious, I could have eaten them all at once. But don’t know why, I decided I’ll not eat them, I decided to save them instead. On some point they expired, so I couldn’t do anything else, but throw them away.
I once had a girlfriend, and oh, how I became bored with her. Lying in that bed, nothing to say or to do anymore. I just didn’t care if she’s there or not. Only when she said goodbye, I realized, how much was there, to share with her. But she was gone, for good.
I once had the youth, and oh, how I wanted to grow up — and so my youth has passed, don’t know when and how.
I once had the life. How much was there to do, to see and experience. I realized, I saw so clear, on some point, right before everything has passed, right before the expiration, right before, I was thrown away. And then, I was floating in infinity and I wasn’t me, and even before I had a chance to be judged by myself, for all the beings I hurt, I was judged by myself, for one particular being which I hurt the most - the being, which I hurt, and let down — I wasted life of that being. How could I.
I - the thing that left of me, screamed, and the scream was so intense, that it waked me up. It was morning.
The birds were singing, and I felt and smelled freshness of the early spring. The world outside was so green. I decided I’ll eat my yogurts, and I hugged my girl, and shared the morning with her. And I enjoyed the youth. I don’t know, if that morning ever passed.
